I’m not needed, wanted, nothing. Better get fucking used to it.
thank you tumblr for always being here when i need u . where noone can read what i put or say to help me. but as i am laying here on the floor of my room, and hoping for every creature that lives beneath this joyful house may come and eat me for i do not want to be here. or there. or anywhere else.
but tumblr i just wanted u to know how big of a piece of shit i am to everyone including myself, espescially myself, and my dad. my loving dad who just loves to FUCK me up. i love communicating with my dad because its obviously possible to do just that and i looove him so.FUCKING.much. to the point where i just dont even want to be here. or there. or anywhere else.
this may not make any sense to you, tumblr. but that doesnt matter. because it makes complete sense in my mind. and thats all that matters, right?
as i sit and listen to my dad in the living room screaming how much of a great son i am, i just wonder.maybe im not such a good son. for i dont know how i do it but as i sat at my computer screen building a castle for my sweet sweet shelley on mminecraft i seem to be able to talk back towards my dad. why must u do that christian? dont you knowww that you arent supposed to talk back? you worthless piece of shit you?
maybe yuo dont belong here anymore christian. maybe you should just use your last life. because you are a bad kid, christian. you cant even make the person you love the most love you like she has in the past. because as you grow, christian, as the year goes by, you become more stupid, and worthless, every second, nminute, hour. you are nothing. so why not end it???
are you not strong enough? are you capable? do you have the right tools to do so? maybe your dad must help you, since in the past he has told you countless of times that he would help. maybe break a bone or two. you have been a bad kid, christian. dont you know better??
so why just sit there? get that razor and get to cutting because you are too scared to go all the way. but cover it up christian. you dont want anyone to question those scars on the bottom of your arm. theyll pretend to care but you know that they will just shrug it off. like your parents have done to you. depression? big deal we have all this information and people to contact christian but we arent going to call or get help because you’re fine. its just a stage, right?
you go out with your friends, have a good time, but on the way home you make sure you tell them how much on bad terms you and your family are/ but you never tell them why. your dad is a good eprson christian you are just making excuses, its you whos the evil piece of shit no wonder you dont deserve your own fucking wall in your house.
dont you dare contemplate ripping your white tshirt and making it into some cheap noose to let you dangle from the mini closet in your room. dont you dare contemplate heading over to the medicine cabinet in the bathroom and swallowing all the fucking tylenol and pills. dont you dare go running to your dad spitting in his face and handing him a knife to end you with without fighting back. dont you dare count your veins and decide which to cut. dont you dare.
dont you dare.
you wont. i wont.
i wont do anything tonight, i wont. but if i wasnt so scared, i would.
i would. noone would stop me.
But I am not capable of taking my life away, anyone reading this. I’m scared. I don’t know where I’ll go, who I’d affect. I won’t know any of that. If I did, I would’ve been long and gone. Because theres not much happiness left in the world, in this country, in this state, in this county, in this house. in this body. in this mind. Not much left. Not any left here at home especially. Happiness is extinct. Just, theres none left. None.
if none of this made sense to you. good. good good good. wasn’t meant to.
